Getting Defensive Parents on Board: A Practical Guide for Childcare Directors

When a child struggles with behaviors like lashing out, not listening, or frequent emotional outbursts, it can be hard for parents to accept. To make these conversations easier, it’s important to build awareness over time. Here’s how:

1. Educate Through Newsletters and Social Media

Start by regularly sharing information about behaviors and their underlying causes in newsletters, social media, and classroom updates. Topics like emotional regulation, impulse control, and attention span should be discussed frequently. This ongoing education normalizes these conversations and helps parents see that struggles like not listening or lashing out are developmental issues, not signs of a “bad” child.

2. Begin Conversations with Positives

When it’s time to speak directly with a defensive parent, start by highlighting the positives. Talk about how their child is thriving in areas like creativity, kindness, or enthusiasm. This approach builds trust and makes the parent more open to discussing areas where their child might need extra support.

3. Reframe the Struggle

Emphasize that no child is “bad”—every child is on a developmental journey. Struggles like not listening or emotional outbursts are part of this process. Discuss how their child is working on building specific executive function skills, just as they would learn to read or count.

4. Address Specific Skills

Break down the areas where the child might need help:

• Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions in a healthy way.
• Inhibition: Learning to control impulses.
• Working Memory: Holding and using information over short periods.

5. Provide Practical Tools

Equip the parent with specific strategies they can easily implement at home. One effective approach is helping the child identify and label the physical sensations that their emotions are causing. It’s important to do this after the child has had a chance to calm down, rather than in the heat of the moment.

For example, once the child is calm, the parent might say, “I noticed you were really frustrated when the toy wasn’t working. Did you feel your face getting hot and your fists tightening up?” This helps the child connect their physical sensations—like a hot, red face or tight fists—to the emotion they’re experiencing, making it easier for them to understand and manage their feelings in the future.

You can also encourage the child to describe other physical signs, like a fast heartbeat when they’re anxious or feeling shaky when they’re scared. Over time, as the child becomes more comfortable identifying how emotions affect their body, they’ll be better equipped to handle those feelings in a healthy way.

6. Normalize the Challenge

Reassure the parent that struggling with certain skills is normal and that every child has areas where they need support. By framing challenges as part of the learning process, you can help parents move from denial to cooperation.

The Path Forward

Building awareness gradually makes direct conversations with defensive parents easier. By the time you have that conversation, they’re more likely to be receptive and understand the bigger picture. This approach not only benefits the child but also strengthens the partnership between home and school.